The Challenges And Opportunities That Come With Raising Girls
Yshai Boussi, L.P.C & Mariah Lebwohl L.C.S.W.
Wendy is relaxing in her room with two of her best friends, Kylee and Emily. All three have been close since middle school and are now in their sophomore year at the same high school. It’s Friday night and they’re bored and can’t decide what to do. Wendy is on her laptop updating her Facebook page, eager to hang out with “cute boys”. Kylee’s on her IPhone texting her boyfriend. She reveals with both frustration and confusion that he is planning to hang out with his friends but wants to “hook up” later. Kylee feels uncomfortable when he does this but has never told him how she feels as she doesn’t want him to be mad at her or break up with her if she seems too controlling. Emily is learning about the latest celebrity gossip while thumbing through a current Us Weekly. Feeling increasingly insecure about not being as skinny or pretty as the celebrities in the magazine, Emily tries to talk the girls out of going out and instead suggests that the three of them just hang out together and watch a movie.
Scenarios such as this and the issues and dilemma’s facing Wendy, Kylee, and Emily are not unique or unusual. The challenges facing most teen and preteen girls are too often overlooked and minimized because the symptoms are often subtle and frequently don’t lead to disruptive behavior.
In this article we will be sharing with you the 4 primary challenges that many girls face along with solutions and strategies that you as a parent can implement to help your daughter develop healthy self-esteem and positive relationship skills.
While trying to understand the often obscure and unpredictable behavior, thoughts, and emotions expressed by teenage girls, it’s important to appreciate the power of their environment. Of course you as her parent are her primary influence (especially if you are her mother). However your daughter has also been bombarded with countless messages from the time she was born about what it means to be a girl and a woman. Many if not most of these messages offer a very limited and narrow definition of what it means to be female. Consider the roles and images of girls and women in fairy tales, cartoons, movies, dolls, magazines, music videos, ads and professional careers. Taken individually, these influences have minimal impact, but collectively, over a period of many years, these negative experiences can consume even the most grounded of girls.
4 Primary Challenges Facing Many Girls
They don’t value their own voice. In a 2008 study by the Girl Scouts, girls aged eight to seventeen worried that leadership positions would make them seem “bossy” and lead to negative attention from peers. For too many girls, expressing their opinion, particularly if it’s unpopular, is a precursor to being labeled as snobby, bitchy, disruptive, or even angry. Most girls intuitively understand this and as a result end up becoming followers and going along with things that they don’t agree with or that make them uncomfortable.
They over-identify with their physical appearance. Try to find a magazine cover model, 
movie star, singer, or T.V. star that doesn’t look unrealistic. Most teens don’t realize the extent of make-up and air brushing that goes on with celebrities. In addition, the notion that there is a “right” way to look is constantly reinforced by their male and female peers at school. Teen and preteen girls are well aware that guys give more positive attention to the girls who look more like these celebrities.
They don’t know how to manage conflict. In a 2006 study by Girls, Inc., 74 percent of girls said they were under a lot of pressure to please everyone. Girls are taught to keep the peace and get along with everyone. As a result, they often keep their true feelings hidden and avoid situations that could lead to conflict. This frequently leads to the development of unhealthy coping skills such as becoming passive aggressive or engaging in relational aggression.
They’re confused about their sexuality. An oversimplified version of a typical teen girl’s thought process: “my mom and dad and most adults I know have always told me that sex is for adults who love each other or are married. But why do all the girls on magazine covers, songs I listen to, videos I watch, and movies I see, all show sex as being cool and casual with girls being flirtatious while wearing skimpy outfits that show lots of cleavage and skin? What if my boyfriend breaks up with me because I won’t have sex with him? Sex isn’t really that big of a deal anyway.” Adolescent girls are very confused and highly misinformed about the realities of sex and sexuality.
By ignoring these challenges, our daughters may get good grades, graduate from college, get married and have kids. However we run the serious risk that they will also experience depression, unhappiness, unhealthy relationships where their needs go unmet, and jobs, careers, and lifestyles that involve settling and underachieving.
What You Can Do
Discuss media portrayals with your daughter. Ask your daughter questions about her favorite music and movies in addition to other media portrayals in magazines and advertising. For example, there’s a good chance that your daughter is a fan of the new teen vampire hit New Moon. If you have the opportunity, go see the movie with her. A movie such as this will provide many opportunities to discuss topics such as dating, sex, and the role of girls and women in relationships. Be sure to keep your tone casual, conversational and non-judgmental. Don’t forget to try to do more listening than talking.
Acknowledge some of the ways you have struggled personally with gender stereotyping. It’s incumbent upon all of us, no matter how progressive we may think we are, to be honest with ourselves and look at how we too may be projecting limiting beliefs and attitudes on our daughters. Teens value authenticity in adults above all else. Don’t be afraid to admit some of the struggles that you have, or have had, with falling into traditional gender roles.
Encourage your daughter to stand up for herself and express her opinions. Before you assume that your daughter already has this one down, keep in mind that yelling, eye rolling and telling you what a terrible parent you are is not a form of healthy self expression. Girls that resort to this type of behavior do so only because they have been keeping their thoughts and feelings to themselves for too long and they can no longer hold it in any more. Ask your daughter for her opinion as often as possible and show her that she matters by listening actively and remaining open to her thoughts and feelings.
Empower your daughter to learn traditionally male tasks. Does your daughter know how to mow the lawn? Use a drill? Paint? Fix a flat tire? You get the idea. By treating your daughter equally in this way you send her the message that she is every bit as valuable as a male and really can do anything that she wants.
Help your daughter see her value on its own merit independent of physical appearance or relationships with others. Try to avoid too many comments about her appearance or the appearance of others. There is a good chance that she’s already over identified with her looks as it is. Instead focus on the other more important qualities that you admire and respect in her and in others such as intelligence, talent, sensitivity, leadership, social skills and problem solving skills.
Encourage quality time with her father or another positive adult male. Girls benefit greatly from spending quality time with healthy adult males. These relationships help girls experience balance in how they think and act as well as increase the likelihood that they will have healthy intimate relationships with males as they get older.
The challenges that girls face are deeply rooted and stem from generations of inequality. Adolescent girls are incredibly confused. They want to learn from us adults but they don’t want to be lectured to or moralized. They observe our behavior and are well aware of the inconsistencies and hypocrisies that we, as adults, often model to them. As a result, it’s imperative that we stay engaged with our daughters and help them disentangle these challenging experiences that their developing brains just aren’t ready to handle.