The Challenges And Opportunities That Come With Raising Boys
Yshai Boussi, L.P.C. & Mariah Lebwohl, L.C.S.W.
14 year-old Jeff comes stammering through the front door at 4:30 in the afternoon. His mom, Sharon, asks with a combination of curiosity and concern how his day was. Jeff is almost always home from school by 4 and when he stays after for any reason he usually calls. Jeff responds to his mom’s predictable question with his standard response, “fine”. Jeff heads strait up to his room where he stays until dinner.
Sharon is understandably confused. She’s not convinced that everything is ok with Jeff but doesn’t know how to approach him. She’s afraid that if she presses him to talk about what is going on he will shut down even more or lash out at her and tell her to “just chill out” as he has in the past. She wonders if she should just let it go and give him his space but her gut tells her that something is not right with her son. She tries to talk to Jeff’s dad but he presents in a similar nonchalant manner, assuming everything is fine. Sharon and Jeff used to be so close, now she is left questioning herself and her parenting not knowing how to connect with her son.
If you happen to be a parent of one of these curious and interesting creatures called teenage boys, you may be able to identify with Sharon’s dilemmas. In this article we hope to give you some insight into the unique issues and dilemmas that face adolescent boys today. In January, we will focus on adolescent girls.
Over the years in our work with teenage boys, we have found that the majority of them come with a predictable set of strengths and unique challenges. For many parents, the strengths tend to get buried under the pile of challenges that often loom large.
Before we identify these challenges specifically, first consider the male models that boys experience growing up. Their father, uncles, grandparents, action figures, super heroes, cartoon characters, coaches, and teachers among others. Could this wide array of male influence possibly have anything in common? In most (certainly not all) cases, the male models that boys are exposed to depict a very narrow definition of what it means to be a man. Some of the common traits depicted by these models include stoic, angry, socially isolated, independent, and aggressive.
4 Primary Challenges Facing Most Boys
Among the many challenges that confront boys, we have identified four primary difficulties that
as parents, and as a community, we must address.
1. Boys learn at an early age that males are not allowed to express emotions unless they’re angry. Many boys share with us that they have learned to hold in their emotions for fear of being chastised by their peers or being seen as acting “unmanly”.
2. Boys are taught that being a boy means they will need to rely on themselves more. They are pushed to become independent before they are ready and much faster than their female counterparts.
3. Boys are required to learn within an educational model that too often does not match their learning style. In general, boys are more active, and prefer activities with clear rules and structure. They are also often more visual and less auditory in nature than girls. Unfortunately our public schools do not allow for a variety of learning styles. Many researchers believe that this explains why boys are nearly twice as likely as girls to be diagnosed with ADHD and why boys out number girls 2 to 1 in special education classrooms.
4. Boys aren’t given permission to have meaningful connections and relationships with others. Healthy and meaningful relationships require a certain level of emotional openness and dependence. Boys often aren’t given these fundamental tools. As a result, they grow up with many relationships that are superficial and/or dysfunctional.
What You Can Do
Now that you know the what and the why, the question becomes how do we help these teenage boys become more emotionally intelligent men. Yes, things can change. We know this because we’ve seen it over and over again, but it’s not easy. Of course it starts with you but it may also require additional support. As his parent you are his number one influence when it comes to core values and morals. His peer group only trumps your influence when it comes to tastes and preferences like music, clothes, and styles. Below are 5 steps that we recommend to help your teenage boy become a more well rounded young man.
1.
Model healthy expression of emotion at home. The stoic, one dimensional, robot-like parent that many of us grew up with is off-putting to today’s teens. It’s essential that you model the broad and complex range of emotions that is the human experience. You’re not helping or protecting your teen by acting like everything is fine when everyone in the house knows that things are not ok. At the same time, flying off the handle doesn’t help your child learn how to manage difficult emotions in appropriate ways.
2. Be honest with yourself about how you parent your son. Do you sometimes parent to the stereotypes that we described above? Do you have expectations of him that would be different if he was a girl? Do you expect him to do more on his own? How often do you give him a hug?
3. Show physical and verbal affection towards him. Give him hugs…often. When his body goes limp and feels like a corpse, don’t be fooled. He wants a hug, but he’s very afraid of experiencing shame by being perceived as less than a man. The same goes for telling him you love him. Don’t expect to hear it back, especially in the beginning.
4. Talk about male stereotypes in the media and culture. Opportunities should be easy to find as they are everywhere! Whether it’s from video games, ultimate fighting, movies, or ads, ask for his opinions about what these images say about being male. What does he think it means to be a male? What does he think culture and society has to say about what it means to be male? Avoid sharing your opinions unless asked. Instead, ask questions and listen a lot. Even if you don’t get a response, you’ve already opened the door for your teen to start thinking about these issues. You’ve also let him know that this topic is not off limits and is ok to discuss, if not now then anytime in the future.
5. Acknowledge any poor modeling you have shown as a parent in the past. It can be particularly powerful for a father to acknowledge his own struggle with emotional expression and admit to underlying feelings of fear, sadness and other primary emotions. None of the four steps above will likely have much of an effect if you do not acknowledge your own mistakes. You’re teen is smart and he knows when you mess up. Teenagers are incredibly forgiving and accepting of mistakes but they loose respect for their parents and other adults who pretend to be perfect.
Teenage boys long for the opportunity to express their emotions and experience real connection with others. The reason they don’t is because their terrified of feeling shamed. We as a culture and community have failed our boys by telling them that it is not safe or appropriate for them to express emotions or have meaningful relationships with others. They don’t want to be ridiculed by their peers and most importantly they don’t want you, particularly if you’re a father, to think less of them if they cry or express genuine emotions.
Because these types of conversations and changes can be hard at first, don’t hesitate to reach out to us if you’d like support. One of the ways that we help families is by facilitating conversations and discussions about gender, stereotypes, emotions, and relationships. When done in a supportive, honest, and open way, teenage boys actually love these types of conversations and view them as a breath of fresh air.
It’s not too late to begin helping your son become a more well rounded young man. In fact adolescence is a great time to begin because he’s likely already begun thinking about these issues to some degree. As with any change in your parenting style or approach, expect resistance at first. As much as most of us adults don’t like change, adolescents abhor it. So be patient, persistent and get used to limp hugs. Let us know how it goes and if we can help in any way.