You probably already know that social media is a fact of life for most teens. Like with anything else, there are enormous opportunities and major pitfalls to this. Teens benefit a lot from these sites. They allow teens to stay connected with family and friends that they wouldn’t otherwise, it’s an outlet for creativity and individuality, a place to express and experiment with ideas and bond with others over important causes that are personal to them. And what may be one of the most seductive aspects of social networking is the the amount of immediate feedback that comes from posts. This can be incredibly satisfying and beneficial to teens, that is until it becomes a problem.

Many of the teens we see experience significant anxiety, misinformation, bullying, incessant drama and an unending stream of information that is both appealing and unnerving.

A lot of teens can navigate this minefield well. They have balance in their lives, positive in-person relationships, and activities that are challenging and fulfilling. But many teens struggle. Because teens can be so private about what’s really going on in cyberspace it’s hard to know as a parent how concerned you should be.

Below are 5 questions to ask yourself to help you determine if you should be concerned. If you find yourself answering no to a majority of these, then it’s probably a good idea for you to get additional support.

1. Are they engaged in other activities? If it seems like their primary goal for after school activities is to make the varsity Facebook or Instagram team then there’s something wrong. Make sure your teen is participating in clubs, sports, volunteering or working. These are natural defenses against spending too much time on-line and provide opportunities to practice real life job and social skills.

2. Can they talk to you about what they’re doing on-line without getting defensive? You should be able to have casual and brief conversations with your teen about what they’re doing online. If your teen gets defensive or argumentative by you occasionally asking to look at their pages then you may have reason to be concerned. There’s a difference between a normal desire for privacy and a desperate attempt to conceal.

3. Are they comfortable going on sites in a public setting?  If they’re minimizing their page every time you walk by or only social networking when they’re alone or in their room, this could be a sign that your teen is involved in a way that isn’t good for them or that their time online is causing them too much distress.

4. Do they have good three dimensional relationships with family and friends? Teens should have at least one or two good friends and one or two family members outside of parents that they spend time connecting with face to face on a regular basis. If they’re lacking these relationships and are instead spending a lot of time online, there’s a good chance that they’re struggling with social skills or social anxiety. In either of these cases, this issue needs to be addressed directly and urgently. Without intervention, these teens can get lost very quickly in the world of social media and the older they get, the harder it will be to pull them out of it.

5. Are they doing ok before, during and after? You’ll be able to tell a lot about how your teen’s doing with social media by paying attention to these three periods. Before: Does their anxiety skyrocket in anticipation of going online? Do they get demanding or dismissive? Do they blow off important things like family dinner, planned activities, or school work?  During: Are they ignoring others around them, do they snip at attempts to interact while online? Do they seem secretive?  After: Do they seem more irritable, stressed or disengaged during the period after they logged off?

Things are happening online at such breakneck speed that it’s impossible as a parent not to worry at least a little bit. The best tools you have at your disposal are your instincts and the relationship you build and maintain with your teen. Don’t stop talking with them about this stuff, be open minded and try to learn from them as well. Talk with other parents and other teens. Over time, you may be surprised to discover that, with reasonable boundaries and balance, social media can become a helpful tool that supports your teen’s development and family as a whole.

The words “empathy” and “teen” may feel like an oxymoron if you’re a parent. You may have accepted that your teen is self-centered and that’s just how it’s going to be until they grow out of it. Actually, teens are much more empathetic than they often appear. Just ask their friends or their friend’s parents.  However, you may be understandably frustrated by your teen’s inability to grasp the impact their behavior has on you. You may feel disappointed by the lack of compassion and awareness they show towards others who are different from them or who have had struggles that they haven’t had. The good news is that empathy can be learned and developed just like any other skill.

Foster empathy in your teen by trying the following suggestions:

1. Pay attention to the details. Get your teen to have more empathy for your point of view by paying attention to the details of their life. Don’t just focus on the big issues. Ask her about her friends, the music she’s listening to, current movies/TV shows/video games, and other topics. Try to remember as much as you can. Find a way to stay curious and interested. Teens can sniff out judgment from miles away so stay away from that. At least initially, she doesn’t really care what you think, so don’t tell her unless she asks or unless your opinion is supportive of her own. This may feel boring to you at times, but it’s a very important way to get your teen to care more about what you think and how you feel.

2. Require your child to acknowledge and/or consider how his negative behavior impacts others. When your teen makes a mistake or breaks a rule, include as a part of his consequence some type of acknowledgment as to the impact his behavior may have had on others and on you. This could be done in the form of a written assignment, but face to face is always ideal. If you or others have a strong emotional reaction, express it in a way that is controlled but honest. As long as your emotions are genuine and not guilt driven, your child will benefit from seeing and hearing about the feelings that his behaviors have caused to those he loves.

3. Participate in meaningful acts of volunteering and helping others. Your teen sees the homeless people on the off ramps just like you do. They hear the stories of military families as well, people losing their homes, and about children who are abused and hurt. The problem for a lot of teens is that their experience with others who struggle is very distant and removed from their own life. They read headlines and see people on the street from inside their car, but they lack direct three dimensional experiences with these people and issues. As parents of teens, we must find opportunities for our teens to have meaningful and direct experience with others who are different from them and who have struggles that they don’t have.

4. Make a clear distinction between empathizing and excusing. Personal responsibility and accountability for their actions is an essential trait that your teen must learn.  However, if your teen doesn’t feel like you’ve made a sincere effort to try and really get them, you may get the behavior you’re looking for but you’ll lose your kid. For example, understanding that your teen has been under a lot of stress and is struggling with low self-esteem, in no way excuses their poor grades or lack of judgment.  But understanding and addressing these issues will be essential if you’re going to help them improve their grades and their judgment in the future.

5. Empathize with people that are different, expect the same from your teen. Don’t let mean spirited, judging comment slide. If you hear your teen referring to other’s in blatantly rude or disrespectful ways it’s important to point out that it’s not ok. In these cases, it’s also helpful to point out an alternative explanation for these behaviors. For example, if your teen describes a peer as “retarded”,  help your teen understand that, maybe that kid has a hard time making friends or maybe he hasn’t had the same kind of support and opportunities that your teen’s had, or perhaps he has a learning disability that isn’t his fault. Don’t be long winded, keep it short and to the point.

6. Build on the undeniable empathy that is already there. If she’s not showing it towards you it’s not because it doesn’t exist. There are likely many teachers, parents and peers that could testify to her compassion and thoughtfulness.  When you feel like this trait seems to disappear around you, point it out and ask your child about it. You might say something like, “I know you’re a thoughtful and compassionate person which is why I don’t get the way you talk to me sometimes. I feel sad and hurt when you get like that.”

7. Be honest with yourself. How much compassion and understanding are you showing your partner, your teen and yourself? Even though your child’s friends are very important to them, you as their parent still hold the greatest influence. How often do you tell your child you love him? How often do you give him a hug, just because? Do you give adequate attention to his successes and disappointments? Do you model empathy on a day to day level such as commenting on a homeless person or a grumpy store clerk with compassion for their circumstance instead of judgment and condescension? None of us are perfect in this area, but our teens expect us to practice what we preach and be honest when we don’t.

By implementing these 7 tips, you will be nurturing and enhancing your teen’s capacity to have empathy for others. They will gradually begin to think more about how their actions will affect others which will naturally lead to healthier choices. If you don’t get immediate results, don’t get discouraged, stick with it and be patient.

In our practice this week, many parents and teens have asked to talk about the shooting in Newtown Connecticut as it is a tragedy that has deeply affected the whole nation.  As a parent, you may still be feeling overwhelmed with your own feelings, let alone how to talk to your children. A steady rotation of horror, anger, sadness, helplessness and detachment may be par for the course.

“What if that was my child murdered so brutally, what would I do? how would I cope?” Perhaps you you were already worried about your teen and now harbor the secret fear that they could turn out like an Adam Lanza. You may not know what to say our how to act around your teen. You may find yourself feeling a little more protective or anxious when it comes to their comings and goings. You likely are wondering if they’re impacted and in what way. What should you do, if anything?

Unless you live in a community with no internet connection or access to cable, know that your teen is definitely impacted by all this. As one 19 year-old client recently said, “Facebook is blow’n up over this, everyone’s got something to say”. There are some do’s and don’ts that we think are really important as a parent of a teen.

DO

• Have an ongoing conversation about what they think about everything that happened.
• Ask your teen what they have heard and use that as a starting point
• Be sensitive to your teen’s personality and temperament. Teens that are highly sensitive in nature are more likely to feel overwhelmed and be negatively impacted by the continuous stream of information. Kids will react differently and there is no right or wrong way to feel about such a horrible event.
• Share your honest and genuine feelings and thoughts with them.
• Help your teen figure out healthy boundaries about how much information they take in about the tragedy and the source of information(ex: it may be less overwhelming to read a news article then watch images on TV).  They may need to limit their TV, internet or social media time if it is becoming too overwhelming.  There is a lot of misinformation on the internet, how will they figure out what is true?
• Find ways to empower your teen to help. This could be writing letters to family members of victims, volunteering time to one of the many local organizations that help kids, helping in an elementary school or taking the challenge of Ann Curry’s 26 Acts of Kindness.
• Emphasize the statistics and how extremely unlikely this type of thing is and reinforce ways that they are safe.
• Have a family emergency plan.
• Cherish your kids and the privilege that is getting to be a parent.

DON’T

• Assume that your teen is unaffected, despite how they may act.
• Push too hard trying to get them to talk.  Look for natural openings.
• Overload your teen by having the TV news on in the background all the time or only talking about the tragedy.
• Put your fears and anxieties onto your child.  Some children are less affected emotionally and more interested in talking about broader social issues like treatment for the mentally ill or gun control.
• Think your teen is going to turn out like Adam Lanza.
• Ignore your gut instinct that may say your teen and family needs more help than you can provide by yourself.  If you truly are worried about your teen, seek help.
• Take your teen for granted and miss the opportunity to let them know how much you love and adore them.

There’s no way around the intense emotions associated with the shootings from last week. However, as with all tragedies, we hope you use the lives of those heroic kids and teachers (including the ones who survived but will never be the same) as an opportunity to support your teen and strengthen the relationship you have along the way. There’s no better time than right now to cherish one another, help others who are in need and remind ourselves how much we have to be thankful for.

Do you ever find yourself craving a tasty beverage immediately after observing someone else enjoying that same beverage? Have you ever  wondered why, for so many sports fans, watching a game seems to generate so much emotional intensity, you’d think they were actually in the game?

The reason this happens to us has to do with a cluster of cells in the front of our brain called mirror neurons. With the help of these cells, our brain is constantly “mirroring” information from the environment. Seeing someone sad will tend to make us feel down, observing someone eating can make us hungry, being around a happy person can improve our mood. This is a very real and powerful mechanism in our brain that virtually all of us have.

So what about your teen? Their mirror neurons are working overtime. Their brain is constantly scanning their surroundings and soaking up the behaviors that it observes. Most of this is happening unconsciously. What sticks and how much depends on a lot of variables including their mood at the time, their level of attention, and the significance of the source.

Media images and portrayals, teachers, coaches, strangers, all matter and have an impact. However, the two most significant sources of input to your teen are their peers and you.

Why You Matter Most

You don’t have much say anymore about who your teen hangs out with or the fact that hanging out with you is no longer the priority it once was. But you have everything to do with the daily decisions your teen must make. How your teen observes and perceives you has a direct influence on things like who they decide to hang out with, how they manage conflict, the types of boundaries to set, how empathetic and supportive they are, how they deal with relationships, the way they feel about themselves, how they cope with failure and mistakes, and so on.

These incredibly important values, attitudes and skills are essential to having a productive and happy life. As parents, we’re eager to provide a key note address on these important topics to our kids. We’re all good at it, we know what we’re talking about and if they would just follow our advice they would do so much better. So why don’t they, if we’re so important to them? As important as that compelling lecture or talk we just gave is to us, to them it’s a few pages of data amidst volumes of information that they have also gleaned from us.

With the help of mirror neurons, your teen’s brain is downloading everything that it observes from you. Most of it happens outside of their awareness. It all matters including, the comment under your breath, helping your neighbor, yelling on the phone, avoiding eye contact, showing up late, texting while you’re talking, commenting about your weight, they way you manage stress and conflict, having a few too many glasses of wine, or acting like you’re fine when it’s obvious you’re not.

Each of us have our proud and forgettable moments as parents, and it all impacts our kids. While this may sound frightening, it’s only a problem when we deny this reality.

It’d be nice to know exactly how and when we have the most influence over our teens, but we don’t. Since it’s difficult  to know what has an impact and what doesn’t, the best way to influence teens is to be mindful of our own behavior and take responsibility for all of it. They know us just as well as we know them and they can tell when we’re disingenuous or faking it.

Some questions to ask yourself…

Has my child seen me take accountability and apologize after I’ve made a mistake?

Have I given my teen an opportunity to experience me as a real human being with real flaws and genuine emotions?

Has he seen me treating others with kindness and respect especially when I didn’t have to?

Does she observe me treating myself with this same kindness and respect?

Does he experience me avoiding and ignoring my own problems or flying off the handle and loosing control?

For most of us, the answer to these questions would be yes at times and no at others. The important thing as a parent isn’t an ideal of perfection but awareness and honesty, with ourselves, and our teens. Please don’t be fooled by your teen’s outward lack of interest in you. Your teen needs you now more than ever. While it’s fine to give the occasional talk and some advice, what your teen needs and wants more than anything is a model for how to be a happy and successful adult.

Liam and his parents always had a close relationship. Their family spent lots of time together traveling, playing sports and watching Liam’s soccer games.  For most of his childhood Liam’s friendships were primarily friends from his soccer team.  His parents knew their parents and loved having the boys over for sleepovers or just to hang out and play sports or video games.  When Liam entered high school, his parents just assumed this pattern would continue until one day Liam brought home a new group of friends.  These kids seemed different in every way. Their clothes, music, hairstyle and smell were all something to be desired and they lacked the politeness and friendliness of Liam’s other friends. Liam’s mom even overheard Liam mention that two of the boys skipped school a lot. Worried about the influence Liam’s new friends could have over their son, Liam’s parents banned them from their home and firmly stated that he is not to hang out with “those kids”.

When children are young their strongest influence is their parents.  Kids look up to their parents, want to spend time with them and copy what they do.  During adolescence a major shift occurs and peers take on a much more significant role in a teen’s life. This shift can feel scary to parents who worry about their child’s friendship choices, peer pressure and the possibility that their child may fall into “the wrong crowd”.   Like Liam’s parents, many parents develop the urge to control their children’s friendships or fall into the negative pattern of lecturing their child about healthy relationships and their concern about bad influences. Unfortunately not only are these strategies ineffective, but they can result in more fighting and mistrust between you and your child and actually lead your teen to identify even more with the peer group about which you are concerned.

As a parent, we know that observing your teen with friends can be very gratifying. At the same time, listening to the news and hearing about the types of trouble that teens get into can be distressing. We’d like to be able to exert control over this aspect of our teen’s life, but we just can’t anymore.

Below are 10 tips that we hope will help you get a better handle on this primary aspect of your teen’s life and increase your influence as well.

1. Use it as an opportunity to understand your teen. Teens choose friends that reflect their own feelings and values at any given time. This can be very hard to accept as a parent, but if your teen is spending a lot of time with friends who are struggling and making bad decisions, it’s likely that your child is also struggling in some ways.

2. Take advantage of the opportunity to connect with your teen. Your teen will appreciate your making an effort with their friends. When they feel like you genuinely care, they’ll be more likely to be open and honest with you when they’re having problems and need help.

3. Consider that it may just be a phase that your child will grow out of. It can be helpful to remember that throughout adolescence, teens are trying on a variety of identities and often their friends reflect this process. As painful as it may be to stand back and watch, your child will benefit much more by discovering on their own that some people can be jerks or untrustworthy.

4. Don’t judge your child’s friends by their appearance.  Teens are especially sensitive to parents making superficial judgments of their friends.  Not only does this build resentment and anger in teens, it also undermines your credibility as a parent.

5. Respect social networking and technology but set boundaries. Facebook, texting, instant messaging and other ways of socializing with technology are essential methods that most teens use to stay connected. While these are wonderful tools for staying in touch it can also get out of hand quickly. Many teens need some boundaries and limits around school, bedtime and family time.

6. It’s ok to set limits around friendships that are unsafe.  For example, drawing a line with a friend who has brought drugs or alcohol into your home, committed a serious crime or has dropped out of school may be appropriate. Making this kind of decision with an important person in your teen’s life should never be taken lightly. Be thoughtful about it and avoid making this decision out of anger or as a punishment.

7. Make your house a teen friendly zone. Make your home inviting for your child’s friends by doing things like keeping the fridge stocked up and doing your best to carve out a space for them to be by themselves while still maintaining some supervision. Get to know them and their parents as much as possible.

8. Treat your child’s friends like family. Friends are like family to teens and it’s important that you treat them as such. By doing things like inviting them to stay for dinner (with their parent’s permission), expecting them to clean up after themselves, or asking them about school and their family you send a message to your child that you care about their friends. This will significantly increase the degree of trust and respect that your teen has for you.

9. Be aware of how you model friendships. Do you have healthy relationships in your own life? Do you get caught up in gossip and judging others? Are your friendships based on trust, honesty and respect? Does your child know and trust your close friends?

10.  If your teen doesn’t have friends, take it seriously. Don’t buy into faulty thinking from your teen that “everyone at school is annoying” or thinking your teen is just an introverted kid, or they’re too busy, or anything else like that. All teens want friends. If they don’t have any, it could be that they’re depressed, fearing rejection, lacking social skills, or are struggling with other important issues that must be addressed.

Friendship and peers are powerful forces in a teen’s life. It’s common for a child’s peer group to change when they reach middle or high school. If you find your teen being drawn towards negative peers it’s essential that you avoid the temptation to judge their friends or lecture your child. By staying patient and engaged with your child you significantly increase the chances that their poor choice in friends will become a short but important phase in their life that will help them develop a healthier sense of what it means to have and be a good friend. This type of lesson will prove to be much more valuable than any lecture or talk.