7 Effective Strategies for Talking With Your Teen About Sex
By Yshai Boussi, L.P.C.
Portland Family, May 2008
Mary, a 15-year-old high school sophomore, sat with her legs crossed on the brown leather couch in the living room of her house. Across from her sat her parents, Mike and Lisa. They called a meeting with Mary to address some of their worries. They were determined to have the sex talk that they had put off until now because they feared putting ideas in her head and not knowing what to say.
Mary dreaded what was coming and knew that not even her cell phone would get her out of this one. She knew she couldn’t leave to meet up with her friends until she “listened” to what her 
parents had to say. Lisa started: “Your dad and I realized that we’ve never really talked with you about sex and what our values are. We feel like it would be important for you to know where we stand. Sex is a special thing, honey, and we really feel like you should wait untilyou’re at least eighteen but preferably until you’re married. You haven’t started having sex yet, have you?” Deadpan, Mary replies, “no”, a convincing lie. Mike chimes in with sincerity, “Honey, most guys your age are mainly looking for sex, so you’ve got to be really careful. Has anybody tried to take advantage of you?” Eyes rolled, Mary again replies, “no”. Lisa again chimes in, “We’d really like you to start dressing more appropriately when you go out”. Lisa hardly finishes her sentence before Mary irritably interrupts, “This is what everyone wears now, it’s not the 50’s anymore! Just because I wear clothes that are a little tight at times doesn’t mean that I am out sleeping around. Get over it!”
Mike, in his sternest voice, retaliates, “Don’t talk to your mother like that! If you want to have an attitude then you can cancel your plans tonight and stay home!” Mary decides not to push anymore and instead appeases her parents so she can go out with her friends. All three family members leave the talk feeling more frustrated and disconnected.
Mike and Lisa have very good intentions. They genuinely want the best for their daughter. Unfortunately, their well intentioned talk won’t make the slightest dent in Mary’s opinion, attitude or behavior.
How can well intentioned parents like Mike and Lisa get more mileage out of these types of conversations? Below are seven strategies that you can use to communicate more effectively with your teen about sex.
1. Understand that times have changed. Your child lives in a world that is exponentially more sexualized than the one you grew up in. They have an unprecedented amount of access to sexual information and images which results in a high degree of sexualized communication among one another.
2. Stay Curious. Express your concerns but spend the majority of your time listening to understand your child’s world from his or her perspective. Remember, understanding their perspective is not the same as agreeing with their perspective. The more your child feels understood, the more likely he or she will be to open up with you.
3. Leave your reactivity and judgment at the door. If your teen feels like you will fly off the handle or judge him or her for previous behaviors, he or she will not talk to you. Be prepared that your child may share behaviors with you that are surprising. It’s ok to take a day or two to process what you heard before responding. You don’t need to approve of what you hear and it’s reasonable to express your feelings. However, if you want to create open lines of communication, you must balance your response with an equal amount of support and empathy.
4. Talking may not be enough. Modeling is critical to your child’s healthy sexual development. This includes not only your own behavior but also the extent to which you protect against unhealthy sexuality in your home. For example, limit the amount of sexually oriented TV and movies that are watched in your home. Some studies have identified high levels of television exposure as a risk factor that increases the odds of early sexual behavior. The unfortunate reality is that many of today’s most popular shows display some form of unhealthy sexuality. You will not be able to screen every show your child watches or expect them to stop watching some of their favorite programs. Instead, reduce overall television viewing. For starters, your child does not need a television in their room. Spend more time together doing family activities. Your child may balk initially, but if you make it an expectation and stay consistent, they will come around.
5. Keep your talks informal and frequent. Teens are often most receptive to feedback during times you would least expect, such as right before bed, in the car, or after they just got in trouble. Don’t expect to move mountains during any one particular conversation. Talking with teens about sex generally requires a series of shorter discussions over time. Stay up on pop culture as a way to boost your credibility and get conversations started. A place to start is www.byparents-forparents.com. This site lists popular teen websites along with other useful information for parents of teens.
6. Address the reality that boys and girls receive very different messages about sex. Boys learn that sex is primarily an activity where girls meet their needs. The images and modeling of males in pop culture and society teach that early sexual behavior is a sign of masculinity and a necessary component of being a man. Girls learn that their opinions, feelings, and needs are secondary to pleasing and appearing attractive to boys. Girls have very few role models in pop culture of females who are strong, outspoken, and independent thinkers. The few that highly visible are often labeled as ugly, uncool, or bitchy.
7. Be patient and don’t give up, even if your teen is not completely honest with you. If you haven’t had an open and honest conversation with your teen about sex then there’s a good chance that your first attempt may not seem to go very far. Remember, it’s a process that requires patience, persistence, and empathy.
My experience with teens supports what the overwhelming amount of research tells us. Teens want to talk to their parents about sex. Look past the apathy and anger. Your teen wants to talk to you. If you’re embarrassed, acknowledge it; you may find that your child feels the same way. None of this guarantees that your child will not experiment sexually before they’re ready. What it does is significantly decrease the odds that your child will act irresponsibly, and if they do or they have, chances are that your child will feel comfortable coming to you to talk about what happened and ask for your support. That’s when your valuable advice will come through and be received with open ears.