As another school year ends and summer break begins how are you feeling? I’m looking forward to some family vacations we have planned but a little stressed about how we’ll all respond to the lack of routine and structure (and heat).
Some of us are relieved that summer is finally here. We welcome a reprieve from the stress, arguing and frustration that comes from school related issues. We hope that the absence of this stress combined with some fun family trips and more down time will lead to more positive interactions.
Others of us aren’t looking forward to summer break at all. We saw our child benefiting from the social and academic experiences in school as well as the routine that it provides. We’re concerned about the impact of too much free time and lack of structure. The possibility of endless screen time or marijuana infused idle time at the local hangout spot looms large.
I think most of us want three primary things for our kids during the summer:
1. Opportunities to connect positively as a family,
2. To have fun and be safe.
3. To continue to learn and develop new skills.
Why this is the best time to connect and grow.
Most teens have less stress and anxiety in the summer. I think being out of school is only part of it. More time outside, sleep and increased autonomy are factors that make a difference as well.
We’re all better when we’re less stressed and rested, but teens are a lot better. They’re better at connecting with others, trying new things, listening and learning. This is why I think summer is an ideal time for kids and teens to learn and grow in new ways.
Below are three important ways to help your teen build essential social and non academic skills this summer.
1. Give them a to-do list while they’re home alone. This could include chores, house projects, trips to the store and/or yard work. Ideally this is requested in the context of being helpful and kind, not as a consequence. Your teen may not be excited about this. But I promise you they want to help and contribute. If they’re resisting, make sure you’re clear (load/unload dishwasher and wipe down the counters vs. clean the kitchen) and be sure they know how to do it. Then start small and provide lots of positive reinforcement. Focus on their effort and not the outcome. If you have a teen that isn’t able to get off their screen our out of their room then it’s time to get professional help. Let me know.
2. Be more present with your child. Prioritize quality time over quantity. This means spending time together with phones out of the room (not just face down on the table). Listening more and spending less time talking to them about their responsibilities and one way lectures. It’s essential that your child feels like you think they’re an awesome and nice kid and that your love for them has nothing to do with their academic or athletic achievement. That may seem obvious to you but it’s likely that your teen doesn’t always experience that.
We live in a culture that values individual achievement (grades, test scores, trophies, awards, fitting in) over effort, kindness and connection. We’re all prone to this but teens are particularly susceptible. So we have to make extra effort to help them see their innate value and that they’re not alone. This happens not by what we tell them but by how we interact with them.
3. They must be doing something out of the house that’s prosocial. This may include volunteering, babysitting, starting a lawn mowing business, pet sitting, whatever. It’s ok if you have to do the legwork to get them started. You can even pay them to volunteer in the community. Does that dilute their experience of helping and contributing? Possibly, but over time they’ll start to internalize these values. For now they just need to be out there doing stuff.
If you already have a teen or preteen that has a fairly full summer, then you’re probably in good shape. Your primary focus will be on making sure they get enough down time and connecting with them in fun and positive ways (#2 above).
If you have a teen that’s facing a wide open summer ahead, you’re right to be concerned. In this case, you’ll have to be creative and put a bit more effort and time to tighten that up. If you can get your teen to contribute ideas that would be ideal. If not, then it’s on you to set clear expectations and do your best to ensure the three things noted above happen:
1. Responsibilities/helpfulness at home. 2. Spending more quality time with you. 3. Doing something positive out of the house.
Keep in mind, your teen may be very unskilled at these things. More specifically, they may struggle with frustration/stress tolerance and give up easily. Or they may have difficulty with problem solving, thus the blank stare when you ask them for ideas. But that’s the point, summer break is a perfect opportunity for them to make progress in these areas. If/when your child resists these ideas, it’s likely because it’s hard and deep down they’re scared. They’re afraid of failure and don’t believe they can do it. We can’t give up on them.
So, be patient. Be kind. Be firm. The irritation that masks their fear will one day turn into gratitude. You’re doing great. Keep going!
