I’m sometimes asked if Gen Z is lacking empathy relative to their predecessors. Actually, sometimes I’m not even asked, it’s just assumed that they are. My response is that I think these kids are incredibly empathetic. At least, I think they have an immense capacity for caring about others and the world. They want to do the right thing and be helpful. Of course we’re the good ones ; ), but as a whole, we adults have not done a good job of modeling empathy for this generation. Technology also has an incredible ability to amplify these problems.
Empathy is innate in all of us, but it can get stomped out from repeated experiences of not feeling empathized with and/or feeling chronically stressed and overwhelmed. The other aspect of empathy, particularly in our current culture, is that it takes deliberate effort and practice. The more we can talk to our kids in a way that models it and repeatedly give them exposure to differences and other perspectives, the better.
I had the opportunity to go on AMNW recently to talk about how we as parents can help nurture the innate empathy that lives in all our kids. Below are 5 tips. I posted the video clip on Facebook. Click here to view that.
5 Tips To Help Your Child Develop More Empathy
1. Empathy starts with us.
As a culture, we’re doing a pretty poor job of empathizing with people that have different experiences and views than we do. Most of us are quick to label others and put them in boxes. As parents we often do this to our kids as well. We explain their problem behaviors with labels like manipulative, lazy, attention seeking or entitled (I’ve certainly done it). When we do this, it keeps us from doing the hard work of staying curious and listening to understand. None of us do this perfectly, but we have to keep trying.
2. Help them manage, or reduce, their level of stress and or anxiety.
Children and adolescents are more sensitive to stress and anxiety than we are. Because they seem so incredibly capable at times, it’s easy to underestimate how vulnerable they are (much more than we are) to the negative effects of stress. This is because coping with stress in a healthy way requires self-control, delayed-gratification and planning skills. These are all functions of the prefrontal cortex which are still immature and unreliable. Next time your teen acts like they don’t care, try to remember that they’re really just flooded and unable to tolerate the stress at that particular time.
“Empathy is communicating that very healing message of ‘You’re not alone.’ “
-Brene Brown
3. Share your own experience more often.
Teens need to be able to view us as 3 dimensional humans. Showing them that we are a real, thinking and feeling person is an important way to teach empathy.
You can do this by sharing how you’re impacted by their choices (good and bad) as well as by life circumstances (hard day at work or dealing with illness). Of course you don’t want to dump your issues on your kid or burden them. The difference is that you’re sharing things that you’ve got a handle on. You’re making it clear that you’re going to be ok, but you’re clearly impacted by their behavior for better and worse.
4. Set limits on screens by emphasizing real world interactions.
The idea here is that there’s less time to be on their devices if they’re too busy being engaged socially in the real world. Technology and social media has upsides, but for teens, the constant comparing and shallow interactions can erode a sense of true empathy and understanding. You probably know I’m not a fan of taking devices away as a punishment (though sometimes it’s necessary for a day or two) but I also think that getting out in the world and interacting with real people in person has to be part of the deal for them. These interpersonal skills (eye contact, awkward pauses, keeping conversation going, reading body language) are eroding for too many kids and teens today and the capacity for accurate and authentic empathy is declining with it.
5. Participate together in service and volunteering in the community.
There’s no better way to build empathy for others than actively involving ourselves in causes that help other people and the world. These types of experiences generally put us in contact with others who come from different cultures and backgrounds than us. We tend to learn about different perspectives in a real world way and build our interpersonal skills along as well. All of this together strengthens our capacity for empathy in general. In case it needs to be said, volunteering in our room from behind our computer screen doesn’t count!
Getting more empathy out of your teen won’t happen overnight. But adolescence is a prolonged period leaving plenty of time to continue building a family culture, that’s about listening, learning and connecting. The truth is, while we all want this for our kids there are a lot of aspects of our larger culture that erode the values we want to instill in our teens and family. So we have to be deliberate and persistent about this. We also need to stay connected to other families and groups of people that don’t just pay lip service to the value of empathy but practice it regularly.
As always, don’t try to be perfect and please cut yourself some slack. It’s always good to reflect and continue to learn (which you’re doing right now). My guess is that you’re doing better than you think. Parenting is a humbling and imperfect journey. Teenagers keep us on our toes, challenge us and often remind us to lighten up and “chill”. That’s a gift.
