Culture is a powerful thing. It pulls the strings of our behavior and tells us how to act. A culture can be positive or negative and is often both. Rosalind Wiseman, best selling author of Queen Bee’s and Wanna-be’s (the book that Mean Girls was based on), and Masterminds and Wingmen, defines culture as “everything you intuitively know about how a person in your community should think and act to be accepted.”
No matter how we parent our kids, our sons and daughters are significantly influenced by the intuitive rules that govern their behavior based on gender. We are largely influenced by these rules as well.
So, how are our sons and daughters expected to act?
Boys understand that it helps a lot if they (just a few examples):
- Are good at team sports.
- Show little emotion.
- Are good with girls.
- Are white.
- Have money.
- Act like they don’t care.
How are these rules impacting our sons? I don’t know, but in many ways, they’re not doing great. Consider:
- Males account for 80% of youth suicides.
- Nearly half of all eighth through eleventh grade girls report having been touched, grabbed, pinched, or intentionally brushed up against in a sexual way while at school.
- In the seventies, men comprised 58% of the college campus population while women were 42%. Now those numbers are reversed and the gap continues to grow.
For girls the unspoken rules include things like:
- Be considered “hot.”
- Perfection is the goal.
- Don’t be assertive or you’ll be labeled bossy or bitchy.
- Putting your needs and pleasure first is selfish.
Many of our girls are hurting as well. Consider:
- Girls report a drop in confidence by 30% between the ages of eight and fourteen.
- Undergraduate women were found to be 43% more likely than their male counterparts to report feeling overcome by anxiety within the past year.
- Self-harm among 15-19 year-old girls increased by 63% since 2009.
Below are a few ideas on how we can support our kids to expand beyond the narrow definition of what it means to be a boy or a girl in our culture. These are based on generalities and there are many exceptions. Some of the boy suggestions can apply to girls and vice versa. I’m also empathetic to the fact that more young people are identifying as non-binary and might reject this language, which is fair.
BOYS
1.Teach and model consent.
Consent requires:
1. Saying yes when I know I could say no.
2. Having equal power, status and mental capacity.
We need to talk about consent now more than ever. This is not a given. Many sweet and well intentioned boys (and some girls) don’t get this. Most of them have watched porn in middle school. They think a smile, the absence of no, quiet compliance or “okay” is consent.
2. Provide opportunities for boys to expand their definition of what it means to be a boy or man.
The rules and expectations of being a “real boy” are specific: Don’t cry, be tough and strong, make jokes at other people’s expense, treat girls as inferior. Most boys want to break out of this but they don’t have “permission” from the culture (other boys and men). We need to expose our kids to successful men who have stepped out of the box to be fully themselves, such as, Lil Nas X, the rapper who came out as gay, or Tyler Perry who cried on the Oprah show while talking about being sexually abused as a child, or Kevin Love opening up about his anxiety and panic attacks.
Most importantly, of course, are dad’s. Our kids need to know that we get sad, scared and excited. They need to see us talking about women and treating them with respect and as equals.
3. Hold them to higher standards when it comes to respect, kindness, and accountability.
Most boys at some point are faced with a dilemma. If they call out language or behavior that they know isn’t cool, the response they’re likely to get is some version of: “Chill, we’re just joking around,” or “That was hilarious.” It often feels like a choice; have friends and shut up, or speak out and don’t have friends. We need to validate this dilemma while constantly reminding them that remaining silent contributes to a culture of behavior that hurts others and isn’t good for anyone.
Too many boys with good hearts that I see every day have forgotten how to take responsibility for their own actions. This is a problem for them that we must help with.
4. Teach and value emotional language and expression.
Most boys haven’t had male role models that use words like sad, scared, nervous or even excited. How often did your dad use those words? Boys need more male models that use this language and give them opportunities to practice. I go out of my way to use these words when describing my experience with both my kids. By doing this, I see how it gives them permission to do the same. Many of us men have a lot of work to do in this area, but it’s work that comes with a lot of rewards for ourselves and our kids.
GIRLS
1. Accept and support outward expressions of anger.
Girls from a young age are conditioned to be kind, agreeable, cute and helpful. They may get sad but anger is not generally accepted. As a result many girls internalize these feelings which often come out in the form of cutting, depression and/or relational aggression. As with boys, we don’t want to accept rude or disrespectful behavior but anger is always reasonable.
2. Compliment internal traits like intelligence, creativity, and empathy more. Emphasize appearance less.
“Inner beauty is most important” rings hollow to most girls. Your daughter knows what the “hot girls” look like, and she compares herself to them. This is inevitable to some extent. We mitigate this by not making negative comments about our own body and by focusing on their other qualities much more than their appearance. Focus on fitness and health, not weight. There are many fit and healthy people with large body types.
3. Stop the perfektionismm. Girls are way too stressed about their academic lives. Perfectionism is extremely unhealthy. It’s based on avoiding mistakes at all costs and focusing on pleasing others. Perfectionism is a form of anxiety that involves constant worrying. The short-term successes are just not worth the long-term consequences of mental health breakdowns. Our girls need to understand that happiness has little to do with academic or professional success. Happiness is much more closely aligned with positive relationships, doing work we love and finding meaning and purpose in our lives.
4. Teach them the value of their own pleasure and satisfaction in all experiences. Girls in our culture are conditioned to help others before helping themselves. We need to make sure our girls understand that they deserve to be happy and experience pleasure just as much as boys do. If they’re participating in something (ie. sex/hooking up) that’s meant to be enjoyed and they’re not enjoying it then they probably shouldn’t be doing it.
Please remember that you’re doing a great job parenting your kids (that’s me trying to change the judgmental culture of parenting teens). This article should also remind you that so much of how our kids turn out has nothing to do with our parenting and a lot to do with the rules set by our culture. Instead of striving to be perfect models and parents or shaming ourselves for falling short, let’s just focus on learning to pay a bit more attention and changing our behavior in small ways at first. From there we can start asking our kids to do the same.
