Does this sound familiar?
Parent: “You’re grounded and I’m taking away your phone.”
Teen: “That’s ridiculous.”
Parent: “Maybe you’ll think next time before doing something so stupid!”
Teen: “Maybe you’ll learn how to stop being a controlling psycho.”
Parent: “You really are a spoiled brat!”
Teen: “You’re a terrible parent, that’s why my friends don’t come over.”
Ouch…
I’m guessing you can identify with this exchange. These types of interactions can happen in all kinds of families: yours, mine and even that one that seems so perfect.
Once we’ve lost our cool, many of us aren’t sure what to do or how to do it, so we do nothing. But the costs of doing nothing are too high. We’re often left feeling helpless, embarrassed and hurt. Teens usually feel the same. Other family members are impacted and, over time, the impact of these fights can spill into our work, physical and mental health, and marriage.
Our valiant attempt at suppressing emotions and moving on results in a fragile facade of surface talk and avoidance until the next eruption happens.
Now for the good news
These relationship ruptures, as painful as they are, can be repaired. Effectively following up after a fight helps teens develop more empathy, accountability, problem solving and self-esteem. Even more, your relationship will grow and you’ll feel happier and more empowered as a parent.
Here are 10 steps to help you repair your relationship after you lost your cool.
1. Don’t wait for your teen to come to you or “want to talk”. We have to be the grown ups here. While their intelligence and appearance may say otherwise, teens are still kids. Whether it happened an hour ago or two years ago, take initiative to make this conversation happen.
2. Make an effort to understand your teen’s point of view. Parents that take the time to listen and genuinely understand their teen’s point of view are often surprised at how wrong some of their assumptions were. You may disagree with her, but your teen needs to feel like you get where she’s coming from.
3. Acknowledge and take responsibility for your part. If we can’t take responsibility when we know we messed up, we shouldn’t expect our kids to either. Sincere apologies from adults go a long way with kids.
4. Use I statements and feeling words. Be a real person. Your teen needs to develop more empathy and understanding for what you go through and experience as a human being. To do that, he needs to hear how you are personally impacted by his behavior.
Helpful statements: “I’m really confused, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, etc.” “I love you so much and I really hate it when we get like this.” “It really hurt my feelings when…” “It sucks to feel like I can’t trust you.” Hurtful statements: “You never listen or care about anyone but yourself.” “You’re selfish and inconsiderate”. “Why do you keep doing that?” “Why can’t you be more like…?
5. Don’t lecture. A lot of parents lose their teen’s attention because they revert to well worn pep talks that feel impersonal and patronizing to their teen. If this is you, it may be because you’re uncomfortable and don’t know what else to do or say. In this case go back to number four above.
6. Make a plan to do better in the future and then do better. End this conversation with a strategy or plan for each of you to do better next time. Make sure you follow through on your end even if your teen doesn’t. Examples could be taking a personal time out, calmly stating thoughts or feelings in the moment, planning and scheduling better, or communicating in a different way. You don’t have to be perfect, just show that you’re trying.
You’ll gradually build more credibility with your teen when she sees you following through. Don’t be surprised if she waits to see if you’re doing your part before she does hers.
7. Start a new conversation about consequences. If you dolled out consequences while you were angry, it’s likely they made things worse. Start over. Negotiate with your teen about what a fair and natural consequence would be
8. End with positive sentiment. A hug and “I love you” is all it takes. Your teen may not respond in kind, but that doesn’t matter. It’s not always enough to just “know” that we’re loved, we all need to hear it and experience it directly.
9. Take personal time to reflect. Think about what characteristics and behaviors in your teen trigger so much reactivity in you. Perhaps he’s a lot like you were as a teen and that’s scary. Or maybe he’s nothing like you were and the inability to relate leaves you feeling helpless.
10. Don’t be afraid to ask for additional help if you’re stuck. Parenting never has, or will, work in isolation. We all need help and support. This can come from family, friends, members of the community, parent support groups or a therapist.
Conflict is a fact of life in homes with parents and teens. We’ve all had moments that we regret. Don’t let that be the end of the story. Follow up with him. Listen to what he has to say, take responsibility for your part, express yourself authentically, agree to do better next time, express your unconditional love, take personal time to reflect, and make sure you’re getting the help and support you need.
Before you know it, you may discover that arguments and conflict aren’t problems so much as opportunities for everyone to grow and learn.
