Teens today may be the most stressed out and anxious cohort ever. The American Psychological Association conducted a large stress survey a couple years ago. On a scale of 1 to 10, teens reported their average stress level as a 5.8 while believing that a healthy level should be a 3.9 (adults rated their average stress at a 5.1).
Perhaps you’ve been concerned about your teen’s level of stress or anxiety for a while, or maybe you’re not sure.
Excessive anxiety and stress that is chronic and unaddressed can show up in a lot of different ways for teens, and it can be hard to tell what’s normal angst or moodiness and what’s not.
Here are some warning signs to look for.
- Physical complaints without clear medical causes.
- Patterns of avoidance.
- Panic attacks.
- Obsessive and compulsive behavior.
- Perfectionism and an inability to tolerate failure or mistakes.
- Frequent irritability and/or anger outbursts.
- Difficulty making or keeping friends.
- An excessive need for control.
If any of these have been going on for more than a couple months, then there’s likely a problem.
What to do…
The good news is that you can help your child work through these issues and feel better. But it will take some effort and persistence on your part. You’re probably already working really hard, but you may need to work a bit differently.
Here are 5 tips to help your stressed or anxious teen.
1. Encourage self reflection. Teens with a lot of anxiety and stress tend to over focus on external measures and the outcomes of their behavior. You can counter this by asking questions that encourage self reflection like, “what did you think about that?” “How are you feeling right now?”. Or make observational comments like “you look sad.” or “you seem out of it today.” If you don’t get a response back, it’s ok. The goal at first is to get her thinking not talking.
2. Empathize first. Most of us are too quick to help our kids solve their problems. It’s a natural instinct that doesn’t work. We need to empathize with our child first. If your teen gets more upset when “you’re only trying to help”, it’s probably because he doesn’t feel like you understand him yet.
3. Teach positive thinking. Many teens who are overwhelmed are focused almost exclusively on the negatives of situations. Help him develop a mindset that acknowledges the downside of situations but emphasizes the positive aspects. One activity to try is identify a negative issue and write it on the top of a piece of paper (“I have a lot of homework”). Below that, draw a line down the middle making two columns. On the left side write down one or two negative aspects of this task (“it’s hard or boring”). On the other side, write down two or three positives (that are also true) for each negative (“I’ll be glad/proud when I’m done”, “it’ll help me get a good grade in the class”). This is an important skill and habit that requires practice like anything else.
4. Avoid accommodating his anxious behavior. When a teenager’s anxiety takes over, it can be pretty scary. It’s reasonable to want to keep these reactions at bay. So to avoid a tantrum or sobbing fit we may let her stay home from school. Or we may bend over backwards to make sure she has what she wants and doesn’t have to do too much. These types of responses are examples of accommodating the anxiety, and it makes it worse not better. When it comes to reasonable expectations that are age appropriate, we can be flexible about the how, when and where, but not the what. Teens should be expected to be at school, sleep in their own bed, help out with chores, participate in some family activities, etc. When we let them off the hook in these ways we feed their anxiety and self doubt.
5. Manage your own anxiety and stress. If your child is feeling overwhelmed or anxious, there’s a good chance that you’re struggling with these issues also. That’s ok, we’re all working on stuff. But if this is the case, be sure to acknowledge it and actually work on it. It’s not fair or good modeling to ask something of your child that you’re not willing to do as well.
