To have a good year, it’s gonna be important to have ongoing conversations with our kids. I think our primary job as parents is to help our teens build on their strengths, learn to think realistically about their challenges and grow the resilience required to work through stress as it comes. These conversations are generally uncomfortable and ones that most kids (and many of us) would rather avoid or put off. We owe it to our kids to persevere and work through this discomfort.
Below are some questions and thoughts to consider with your teen that I hope will increase the chances that they’ll have a good academic year.
1. Start a conversation and ask them to answer the following questions (keep your tone calm, loving and firm):
- How are you planning to manage your time?
- How will you stay focused and manage distractions?
- What kinds of support do you want from me/us?
- How will you ask for it?
The first time around, they may not be able to answer any of these questions. Give them a few hours or a day then follow up. If they don’t want to talk in person, they’re welcome to write out their thoughts and answers.
2. Let go of control.
It can be excruciating and terrifying to watch our kids fail and struggle. We need to be there for them without rescuing them. If your child is failing or facing anxiety, your job is to help them learn to problem solve and come up with a plan (avoiding/escaping is not a plan). This will require them to take responsibility (not blame the teacher or school) and make some changes. If they’re unable to make changes on their own, you’ll need to set some new limits and expectations to help them.
3. Understand the unique impact stress has on your teen.
Teens are more vulnerable to stress than we are. They often don’t have the coping skills or perspective to understand that “this too shall pass”. It’s our job to help them recognize the sources of their stress. Things that may need adjusting include: social media/video game time, lack of sleep, unhealthy friendships, and our own behavior.
4. If/when they struggle don’t take away their phone or game console.
If your teen is struggling academically then their console or phone is likely part of the problem, but usually not the primary issue. Our job is to help them get better at learning how to learn. We need to put the responsibility on them to figure out what the problem is and how they want to try and overcome it. Teaching self-reflection and critical thinking is far more valuable than improving their grades.
I know, it’s really hard. Especially when they have little or nothing to contribute to the conversation or if you feel like you don’t have support from the other parent. But if this describes your child, then that lack of self-reflection and communication should be the priority, not grades.
Collaborating with our teens is essential because when we unilaterally impose our solutions on them, we usually can get them to the finish line (we often know what’s best), but the cost is always impaired problem solving and self-efficacy.
5. Offer these practical strategies for your teen to consider.
- Keep your phone out of the space where you’re working.
- Single task. Multitasking while doing homework makes it take 25%-400% longer and the quality of your work and your ability to retain what you learned will go down.
- Work in a space that is organized and free of distraction. Your brain will learn better.
- Consider background music without lyrics.
- Get as close to 9 hours of sleep as possible. Even an extra 20 minutes a night will improve your brain’s functioning.
- If you smoke weed, please understand that it’s impairing your ability to retain information and focus. The interaction of THC on the developing adolescent brain is much more significant than the impact on a fully mature adult brain (25+).
I get why you and/or your teen may be feeling anxiety and stress about the start of school. Do your best to avoid getting caught up on grades and the future. Instead focus on learning how to have conversations together that enable you and your teen to learn from one another about how to adapt as circumstances change. Whether your child get’s straight A’s this year or fails will not determine their level of happiness and success as adults. The biggest contributions determining their happiness as adults is having a positive relationship with their parents, the capacity to self-reflect and developing resilience in the face of adversity. Don’t forget that Harvard study showing that nearly 90% of kids believe their parents care more about them getting good grades than being a good person.
Please remember that you’re a good parent, this stuff is just hard sometimes. Continue to be patient and hang in there (picture a cat hanging from a tree) : )
I had the opportunity to talk about this stuff on AMNW recently. Check it out if you’re interested.
