I hope you’ve been having a wonderful summer. If you’re like most of the families I’ve been seeing lately, you’re probably starting to think about school. This is a good time to start thinking and talking about hopes, expectations and challenges that may come up in the fall. Most parents I talk to struggle with finding the right balance between being involved and backing off.
This is definitely a tricky balance. I’ve seen too many young adults graduate high school with a diploma that should have had their parents’ names on it. I’ve also seen a lot of kids struggle without adequate academic, organizational, or emotional support.
How much should you be involved? What should that involvement look like? The answers to those questions are unique to every kid and will change from year to year. The most important thing to do now is to start having conversations and mutual agreement about how things will go at the start of school.
I don’t have to tell you how hard it can be to talk to teenagers, especially when it’s your own! Engaging with your own teen can be like spinning a game show wheel. You may get openness, enthusiasm, anger, silence, defensiveness or exasperation.
Despite the challenges, don’t give up. Timing is also important so make sure you’re having these conversations during moments of calm.
Here is an example of how you might start a conversation about school:
Parent: “What are your thoughts about school coming up?”
Teen: “I don’t know…” (He may need a more specific question.)
Parent: “Are you ready to go back, or do you wish you had more summer?” (Providing a question with two choices can be helpful with toddlers and teens.)
Teen: “I wish I had more summer, but it’ll be good to see friends.” (For a lot of teens, school is more of a social club.)
Parent: “That makes sense.” (Validating) “Do you have any thoughts about academic stuff? Do you think this year will be harder than last year?”
Teen: “I don’t know. It might be harder.”
Parent: “Last year was kind of frustrating for all of us. I know you were annoyed with me at times. What are your thoughts about how things can go smoother this year? Obviously I don’t want to be annoying; I just want to be helpful.”
Teen: “I’m not sure.” (He may be thinking about this for the first time.)
Parent: “Well, think about it. I know you want to do better this year. I’ll think about it, too, and come up with some ideas about how to help you have a better year, and let’s talk about it again later.” (End with a positive tone and be sure to follow up with some concrete ideas.)
Teen: “Okay.”
While it may not seem like much, a lot gets accomplished in a conversation like this. It sets a tone and precedent of being able to talk about school without defensiveness or anger. This will be really important to be able to do throughout the school year. It also gives him time to process and reflect and assumes his positive intentions (“I know you want to do better this year”). Kids feel deflated and frustrated when adults tell them they’re lazy or not trying. Sometimes they end up using that as an excuse as well.
All kids want to do well, but they struggle in school because of challenges they haven’t learned to overcome or manage yet.
Some common challenges might be: disorganization; feeling overwhelmed at school and/or in their life; social stress; undiagnosed learning disabilities; consumed with anxiety, depression, or other mental health issues. Some kids feel bored and unstimulated. Of course, it can also be a combination of any of these.
The best way to help your child is to stay connected by having ongoing conversations that emphasize his good intentions, empathize, help him solve problems, and follow through. Be sure you have enough support as well. Trying to do this all by yourself is going to be really difficult.
If November comes around and things aren’t going better, then it may be time to try something different. Just don’t stop having conversations.
