The good news first. Arguing and conflict in a relationship is normal and can even be a sign of health! Now the bad news. Unfortunately, many of us experience conflict in our relationship as a demoralizing and overwhelming experience that progressively tears at the fabric of our connection. The typical response for most couples struggling with this is to either check out emotionally or overreact to small things regularly.
The best solution is to learn how to argue and fight fair. It’s hard and it takes practice but it can be done. Couples who have been happy together for a long time can attest to this.
Below are 5 tips that will help you and your partner learn to argue more productively.
1. Recognize when it’s time to stop. At a certain point in a conflict, there’s too much intense emotion for one or both partners. In these cases there’s typically no listening going on or even a desire for resolution. Instead, the interactions are more about hurting the other partner, saving face, or disconnecting all together. In these moments, the best thing is to just stop and try again in a different way later.
2. Anticipate and practice a calming strategy. Think about and practice different ways to get yourself through the intense negative emotions that you may anticipate having towards your partner. Whether it’s taking deep breaths, a short walk, shifting your thinking, etc. These types of tools don’t typically work when we wait until things are really difficult to use them.
3. Don’t personalize it. If your partner is expressing a lot of negative emotion towards you or, conversely, is withdrawn, it likely has little to do with you in that moment. Being in an intimate relationship with someone can be very triggering. Instead, try to understand where they’re coming from in that moment. Maybe it’s stress related to work or family. It could also be a trigger tied to their own family history or perhaps there’s something from your history as a couple that hasn’t gotten resolved and keeps popping up.
4. Don’t get personal. Comments that start with “you never” or “you always”, trigger instant defensiveness in most of us. Comments about our partner’s character is also more likely to set them off. Instead, try to stay in the moment and talk from your own experience. An example would be “I’m frustrated and sad that you said you’d be home by 6 for dinner and you didn’t show up until 8. It makes me think that you don’t care or respect my time. It also makes me wonder if you’re avoiding me or don’t even want to be around me.”
5. Value your own feelings and needs as much as your partners. A lot of blow ups in relationships happen when only one partner is getting their needs met and feelings heard. If you think you’re helping keep the peace by staying tight lipped and being accommodating, you’re not. Happy relationships require that both partners feel heard and get their needs met.
