Have you ever wondered about that visceral reaction we sometimes get from watching sports or our favorite show? Have you ever found yourself reaching for a drink of water immediately after observing someone else do the same?
Experiences like this are partially explained by clusters of cells in our brain called mirror neurons. Our brain has a mechanism that literally “mirrors” input it receives from the environment. This is why we’re prone to mimic the behaviors and emotions we observe from others, even on television.
Of course this has big implications for us as parents. Your teen’s mirror neurons are working overtime. His brain is scanning its surroundings and absorbing the actions and nonverbal communication of others. Media images, teachers, coaches, strangers, all matter and influence teens. Peers rule the roost in matters of tastes and preferences (styles, music, activities). But over the long haul, parents still matter the most when it comes to values like honesty, work ethic, communication, empathy and self-respect.
These buzz words may sound cliche or intangible but they show up in our behavior in small doses every day and ultimately have far more impact than anything we could say.
Why we need to talk less and do more
As parents, most of us are quick to provide a keynote address on important topics to our teens. It makes sense. We’re good at it, well meaning, and have great life lessons to pass on. So why do our words fall on deaf ears so often? Teens tune out their parents for several reasons: Some of us talk way too much, we’re often repetitive, and because teens want and need to start making decisions and have ideas that are their own.
This is why language and talking is the least effective way to influence teens. Nonverbal communication and day to day behavior is where most of our influence comes in.
The small everyday things matter for better and worse: The comment under our breath, helping a neighbor, gossiping, showing up late, too much time on our phone, apologizing for a mistake, trying something new, comments about our weight or appearance, drinking too much or pretending we’re fine when it’s obvious we’re not. You get the idea.
We sell teenagers, and ourselves, short when we underestimate the impact of our behavior on them. While each of us should be looking at our shortcomings and poor modeling, it’s also important to remember that the good examples we set each day also matter. That part is easy to miss if your teen is making bad choices and driving you crazy. Sometimes it takes other parents, family members, teachers or their peers to remind us that our kids, despite their challenges, are actually quite moral, kind and hard working individuals.
To help you continue to grow and be the best example you can be (not perfect), here are some questions to consider.
Has my child seen me take accountability and apologize after I’ve made a mistake?
When I’m stressed out and overwhelmed do I check out and avoid or find healthy ways to cope and problem solve?
Have I given my teen an opportunity to experience me as a real human being with real flaws and genuine emotions?
Has he seen me treating others with kindness and respect even when there’s nothing in it for me?
Does she observe me treating myself with this same kindness and respect?
Does he experience me avoiding and ignoring my own problems or flying off the handle and losing control?
Has my teen observed me in a healthy relationship being kind and loving to my partner?
Self reflection is an important part of parenting well. Thinking about how we may be falling short as a model for our kids can be painful. But hidden in what may feel like guilt or regret about the past is a unique opportunity to grow and learn together with your teen. This by itself won’t be enough though. It’s just as important to spend time noticing and acknowledging the positive attributes you’ve passed on as well.
It’s not too late. You still matter a lot to your teen and have several years to make a difference. He needs you to lead the way, not with words, but with action.
