Teens from upper middle class and affluent homes are struggling with depression, anxiety and substance abuse at higher rates than teens from the general population.
The data that supports this is consistent with what we see in our office on a daily basis. These otherwise charming, bright and likeable teens are in crisis on the inside while simultaneously glowing to the outside world. On the surface, this doesn’t make sense.
These are the very kids that have everything: great schools, private tutors, safe neighborhoods, extensive parental involvement and a family legacy of achievement and education.
With a bit of reflection, the explanations start to surface. Teens from families that are well off are often surrounded by a family, school, social and community context that is very outcome focused. Grades, test scores, appearance, accomplishments and awards are coveted and become tied to the individual. When the inevitable failure or setbacks can no longer be sidestepped, these teens are either sheltered from them or bailed out. Teens in these circumstances have incredibly loving and well intentioned parents. Unfortunately, these same caring parents can end up becoming over involved and project a lot of their own unmet needs onto their kids.
The net result of this are teens with shiny veneers that attract a lot of positive attention but who are lost and confused and longing to be seen.
If you’re fortunate enough to be a parent with affluence, you have unique challenges that need to be addressed in order to help ensure your kids become not just polished achievers, but happy and whole as well. Here are some suggestions.
1. Stop praising your kid’s accomplishments and intelligence. Instead focus more on their character, process and effort. “You did well, next time think about how you could do even better” isn’t helpful because it emphasizes outcomes which can promote anxiety and perfectionism. “I appreciate how hard you worked and how creative your solution was” encourages reflection and promotes a healthy sense of self and character.
2. Don’t care so much about GPA and test scores. These are just not good predictors of long term success, happiness and adjustment. Many teens realize that their parents are more invested in this then they are. In response they will typically try to do well in these areas to please you. Teens that are externally motivated in this way tend to struggle in college and beyond.
3. Provide the opportunity to experience setbacks and failure. It’s natural to want to protect our kids from pain and injury. The more time and resources we have at our disposal, the easier it is to provide a failure proof environment for our kids. This ultimately backfires. Your teen must learn how to cope with and tolerate frustration, disappointment and failure if they’re going to have any chance at being successful and happy as adults.
4. Notice how much of your focus on your teen’s life has to do with your own unmet needs. Adolescence is an important time for us as parents to take stock of our own life and needs. When we ignore this, we project these deficits onto our teens. This is a lot harder for parents who have been at home and the center of their kids lives for over a decade. But this is a critical time for you to begin nurturing more of your own interests. This may include your health, neglected hobbies, or your marriage and friendships.
5.When it comes to involvement in your teens life, focus on quality not quantity. In cases of over involved or helicopter parents, the problem isn’t that they’re spending too much time with their kids. The problem is that the quality of time spent is poor because it’s filled with anxiety and fear. Your teen is well served to have you actively involved in her life but don’t let your own anxiety drive your interactions and behavior. Instead, let your teen take the wheel and help her cultivate her own unique strengths, interests, passions, humor and personality.
Want more? If you’re interested in digging deeper into this issue. Check out The Price of Privilege by Madeline Levine.
