Now more than ever, we need to be able to have hard conversations with our teens about essential topics that impact their lives. We need to be able to talk about things like porn, suicide, drugs and of course, race and racial justice. We do them a major disservice by ignoring these things. When they don’t learn it from us, they often rely on the internet and friends for their education.
These conversations are easy to avoid and pawn off to someone else, but when we do this we roll the dice about the information they’re getting and we miss an opportunity to build trust, connect and learn together.
Here are tips to help you have a successful conversation about a difficult topic (or just jump to the bottom and watch my recent interview on AMNW).
1. Listen To Be Changed. One of the primary mistakes we make is thinking we are, or should be, experts. I try to get my kids to see me as a parenting expert but it doesn’t seem to stop them from slamming doors and having meltdowns. There’s a lot we can learn from our teens if we really listen. Impactful listening requires us to be calm and make a real effort. Stay curious and loving. We need to put our phones away more often in their presence. They know the difference.
2. Take Responsibility For Your Own Anxiety. Awkward conversations are hard for a reason and often trigger anxiety. Acknowledge that part of the reason you haven’t talked about this yet is because you’ve avoided it since you don’t know what to say or how to say it. Many of us are also afraid of our child’s reaction and the potential for an argument.
We need to cut ourselves slack here because few of us had parents that talked to us about these things, leaving us without a template. Take slow deep breaths, acknowledge the awkwardness and push through. We’re all in the same boat.
3.Plan For Ongoing Conversations. Don’t expect to be “done”. Plan to continue to follow up and create a culture of honest and open communication over time. Little by little.
4. Accept whatever they have to say. Acceptance doesn’t mean agree. It’s an acknowledgement that you both have the right to your point of view. Focus on your own experiences without blaming or making assumptions about their motives or values.
Your teen may think porn or drugs are ok. Breathe. Ask them questions that are honest and encourage them to think critically. Listen. From their point of view, what they’re saying probably makes a lot of sense.
5. End With Something Actionable. Plan to follow up and check in without judgement. Consider exchanging articles or websites to learn more. Share what each of you are learning. An openness to change our mind based on new information is an important skill that we can model and teach our kids.
“What if my teen completely stonewalls me over and over again?” If this describes you then your relationship may be in trouble and you’ll have to work hard to get it back on track. Due to history and a culture of not feeling heard, your teen may not trust that they’re going to actually be listened to and not lectured to or dismissed. They also may not have learned how to express themselves in a productive and healthy manner.
Most of us have to work on letting go of our desire to control our children’s attitudes and behaviors. The best we can do is build influence and credibility with them over time. That is our responsibility, and it takes patience and occasional tears.
So when is a good time to have a meaningful conversation and how should I start?
Timing is everything with teens. Ultimately we have to read them and notice when they’re done. Look for windows of openness. Times when your teen will be more receptive to you include:
- Right after they’ve messed up.
- When they’re lobbying for something they really want.
- In the car or at night.
- Following/during a thought provoking movie.
- During a meal.
- During an activity together (board game, cooking, sports etc.)
As uncomfortable as they are, difficult and awkward conversations can lead to major change, deeper connection and trust. Always remember that your relationship with your child is more important than being right.
One guarantee is that it’s not going to go well at times. Take a break, slow deep breaths, learn from it and keep showing up like you do. Things will get better.
