I’ve been thinking about transitions recently. This is partly because spring has arrived and because we seem to be moving through a transition in this pandemic which is of course affecting our kids in major ways.
Getting on their phone, getting off their phone. Starting a game, getting off their game. Starting homework, getting ready for bed, getting out of bed, getting out of their room. These are all examples of transitions our kids make (ideally) every day. A lot of them struggle with this and it can be helpful to understand why.
Three things to consider when it comes to transitions:
- They induce stress, which isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
- They often signal a new opportunity in waiting.
- Too many transitions in a short period, sometimes known as multitasking, can be both emotionally taxing and a very inefficient use of time and attention.
This spring and summer invites a lot of hope and optimism as well uncertainty and change. I want you and your teen to be as successful as possible during the transitions ahead. Below are five tips to help you be as successful as possible. If you’re in more of a video mood, I posted the clip from my recent appearance on AMNW where I talked about these things.
1. Expect some regression. A lot of us have been wound up and holding it together for a long time and we’re thawing out. The ability to exhale a bit may be met with heightened anxiety, sadness or grief. A lot of kids did relatively well with the simplicity that came with the pandemic. It was/is safe, comfortable and predictable. They also got more sleep. After more than a year of that, it’s not surprising that some of them will avoid getting back to their complicated, hurried and sleep starved lives.
My hope is that as we continue to transition out of this pandemic, you continue to value quality family time, downtime and the significant contribution that more sleep brings to your child’s mental health.
2. Manage your own anxiety and stress. Things opening up also means a return to planning, scheduling and decision making which typically falls disproportionately on moms. The most common reason we lose it with our kids isn’t because we lack parenting skills, it’s because we’re exhausted and burned out. We’re better humans and parents when we prioritize the boundaries we need to take care of ourselves.
3. Prioritize the social/emotional skills: Our daughter has been really excited to go to a two week summer camp that she missed last year. She’s now having to deal with the anxiety of the reality that while it’s going to happen, which is really exciting, it’s also going to look different than she remembers. So we’re having ongoing conversations about that.
This spring and summer, the most important skills many of us will need to model and help our kids learn are flexibility and emotional management.
From camps and school to hangouts with friends and vacations, there are so many things coming up that we just don’t have answers to. Showing flexibility by being able to modify plans and expectations will be vital. The absence of this is rigid, black-and-white thinking that usually involves variations of the word “no”.
As our kids face the uncertainty and increased transitions ahead, we have a renewed opportunity to help them strengthen their capacity to manage anxiety, stress and disappointment.
4. Listen and learn from each other. Rules and expectations will need to be continually updated and modified. As parents, we need to make more of an effort listening to our kids. They have good ideas and important perspectives to bring to the table. We also need to expect them to consider our point of view as well. The families with a culture of learning from each other and collaborating will be the most successful ones in the months ahead.
5. Practice frontloading. Frontloading is the process of getting ahead of a problem by anticipating it and talking about it before it comes up. For example, anticipating the fears and worries about going back to school and making a plan to help a reluctant child get through it will help them be more successful.
Ask your teen about their hopes, expectations, concerns and worries. Then share yours and come up with some agreements together to try and get ahead of any problems that might come up.
Remember to expect some regression (it’s okay), support your child by taking care of yourself, and model healthy coping. Increase the frequency of words like disappointed, sad, nervous and scared in your family. Learn together and get ahead of anticipated challenges. Doing these things repeatedly won’t make the upcoming transitions easy, but they might be met with new patterns, habits and more connection. Take care of yourself, keep learning and remember that you’re doing the best you can.
